Anonymous said: You commented on a kink post from before - "I’d like to silently wave at all of the women who have had to struggle with the question that Lori so incisively nails:"Is my kink fucked up, or am I fucking a creep?"" Do you have any advice on identifying guys who have interest for the wrong reasons? I am interested in certain kinks but at the same time very skeptical of guys who would go along with them, if that makes sense.
This is the post Anon is referencing. (tw for discussion of age play and csa at the link)
I think you might be helped by reframing this question a little bit. Identifying guys who are kinky for “the wrong reasons” is a Sisyphean task. You aren’t responsible for the motivations of other people — they’re, as you’re noticing, difficult or impossible to identify, and probably “unfixable” in the cases when they’re wrong. Anon, I’m guessing you’re a woman, based on a couple of things in your ask, and so I don’t feel too out of line saying: it’s no coincidence that you feel this way. We are constantly told to not just be our own moral centers, but to be everyone else’s too, especially the people we invite into our pants. So, if you’re boning/have boned a creep in pursuit of your kinks, don’t be hard on yourself. A) Creeps are everywhere, you could basically trip and bone one by accident and B) Creeps are often very skilled at making themselves appear not creepy, right up until they don’t bother. Don’t tire yourself out trying to outguess them. You won’t win, and you’ll just wind up feeling like it’s your fault when you lose. And that’s exactly what creeps want, because it lets them continue creeping in perpetuity.
The more important question is, how do you keep yourself safe from creeps? Which sounds similar, but isn’t, quite. Because this question doesn’t deal with people’s nebulous inner feelings, but with the concrete ways that they treat you (and the people around you). I think the most life-changing advice I ever got around picking good sexual partners was this: people don’t actually treat sex very differently from any other interaction with people, usually. So, watch how your prospective partner reacts to non-sexual boundaries you set. Do you have to justify every no? Are some no’s taken seriously and others ignored? Do you find you’re feeling like a wet blanket when you set a boundary? Remember: No is a completely sentence and “that’s not something I want” is reason enough, when it comes to partners. It does not matter at all what this person intends when they act that way — they may be intentionally being an asshole, or they may be simply clueless. Either way, they’re not a safe person to be around. This will hold true in bed too — don’t worry about whether they like what you like for “the right” reasons, worry about how they treat you. Is your partner as concerned as you are that you’re both getting what you want out of the sex you’re having? Regardless of any D/s elements, if you can’t answer that question in the affirmative, then it’s bad sex.
So that’s some help about who not to fuck. But in terms of finding someone you do want to fuck: consider broadening the scope of who you consider to be an acceptable bedmate for the purposes of your kinking. Without knowing your particular situation, it’s hard to be really specific, but the BDSM scene and its attendant creeps have made really common this notion that a bottom needs a top, that a masochist has to play with a sadist, that a submissive can’t get off without a dominant. This is bunk. Obviously, you don’t want a partner who is going through the motions, but there’s a whole range between that and “is literally a sadist in the wants-to-assault-you sense”. A good partner, kinky or not, bdsm focused or not, finds your pleasure (whatever that pleasure might look like) integral to their pleasure. A good sadist gets off on hurting people who get off on being hurt. A bad sadist makes sure that they hurt people who give them permission to hurt them, and isn’t concerned with the masochist getting their pleasure (whatever that pleasure looks like) out of the encounter. I mean, we call it play for a reason. Everyone is supposed to enjoy it, and someone who tries to talk around that fundamental fact is definitely an extremely good candidate for creeper. And when you think about it that way, you don’t actually need your partner to be a “real” sadist or a “real” top in order to have the sex you want to have. You just need someone who is into getting you off (even if you getting off is you not getting off, if you get me). And so if you’re particular kinks feel wiggy when your partner is “really” into them, remember you don’t necessarily need them to be.
Don’t be afraid of missing out on sex. The fact is, most people in the world probably like some pretty weird shit. The only people who benefit from the perception that weird fucking proclivities are a rare commodity that must be pursued via narrow, prescribed channels (eg, your local kink scene) are creepers, who have a vested interest in making sure you think they’re the only pervy game in town. Because if you had any other options, you wouldn’t fuck creepers. Good news! You do have other options. As someone who professionally examines people’s kinks, I can assure you that you are almost certainly not very rare in terms of your tastes. So don’t feel like every opportunity you let slip by might be your last. It won’t be.
The best kinds of laughter:
- Laughing so hard that your laugh becomes silent and you sit there clapping like a fucking seal
- Feeling a six-pack coming up
- Tears coming out of your eyes
#you know you’re fucked when its a combination of all three
designing and animating a diverse cast of women is hard
translation: we’re afraid to make women look different and “ugly” by giving them emotions that aren’t cutesy and cuddly because that would give people the idea that they’re human and not dolls to sell for Disney profit
this post is back and 10x better